Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
