White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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