Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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