i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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