Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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