I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
