somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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