i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
