watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
