I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
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She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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