my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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