I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
