What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
