I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
