just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
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Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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