I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
