Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
