Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
