The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
accomplished twins. life is a go
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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