Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
