Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
