I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
