I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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