What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
