I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
