you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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