I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
