she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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