did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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