I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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