and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
