he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm always down for nudity.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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