Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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