either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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