theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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