Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
