$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
