I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The Olympian is in my bed
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
