i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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