Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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