i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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