I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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