You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
