so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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