He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize