chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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