when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
