hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
