I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
