youre lurking in front of me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
