Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
