We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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