i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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