You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
