dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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