You're my little dorito
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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