Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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