my phone needs a breathalizer
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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