when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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