OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
