Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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