Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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