when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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